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Walk-Off, Don't Run

Hockey season starts today and the Mets have already frightened me into refusing to believe that the Rangers could contend for a Stanley Cup (I'm having visions of a season-ending cruciate tear for Henrik Lundqvist). So I thank them for that, and send them my best wishes for the off-season within this posting. There are a few people I've left out in the address that follows, so please feel free to share your own ideas for them in the comments section.

Jose Reyes walk-off, and don't do too much this winter. We don't need you to break down again like a gasping racehorse at the end of the season.

Moises Alou walk-off while your knees are still capable of allowing you the ability to play with your future grandkids. And thank you for your efforts.

Luis Castillo, walk-off, sit down, and don't get up again until February. Your knees need the rest too.

Shawn Green, walk-off into whatever business-world endeavor you wish. Your performance at the conclusion of your career was commendable and you should feel good about the way you concluded your career.

Lastings Milledge, walk-off from your bad self and grow up a bit more. You're probably going to be starting somewhere next season, if not for this team, than for another willing to put up what's needed for your high-risk, high-reward ways.

Jeff Conine, walk-off into the sunset. Good idea to getcha, but you just didn't have much left to contribute.

Guillermo Mota, walk-off and don't come back. You should feel lucky to still have a job in baseball.

Tom Glavine, walk-off and don't come back, but we've covered that already.

Billy Wagner, walk-off, shut your mouth for a few months, and rest your back. You're still useful and I don't want you to become to me what Tom Glavine currently is.

Carlos Beltran, walk-off, and remember that next time you're faced with an 0-2 count with the bases loaded and 2 outs, they're probably going to drop the hook on you.

David Wright, walk-off with your head held high. You did (almost) everything you could Just remember to tag third base next time.

Marlon Anderson, walk-off and take a walk around the block the next time you get mad enough that you wanna throw something.

Ramon Castro, walk-off and then walk some more, and walk some more. Lose about 10 pounds and maybe you'll be catching every day next season.

John Maine, walk-off and pray that you don't need Tommy John Surgery at some point next season. Your refuse-to-lose mentality will be needed.

Oliver Perez, walk-off and visit a hypnotist who can offer a suggestion or two on how to keep your head, and your arm slot, in the right place

Pedro Martinez, walk-off and tend to your garden. Just stay away from sharp instruments that could slice off fingertips. We've been through that before.

Orlando Hernandez, walk-off, don't run. You've officially reached brittle stage

Aaron Heilman, walk-off and you'll probably walk into a new situation next season

Pedro Feliciano, walk-off, and learn to stop walking people. Same to you, Mike Pelfrey.

Scott Schoeneweis- walk-off and have a Merry Christmas. Don't open any more packages from Orlando, please.


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